Diary of Bridezilla Options

[Mrs*S*]

Right girls, well, here's a quick run down of how this book will work. There will be 365 diary entries leading up to the wedding of Bridezilla. So no chapters, just one entry for each day.

I've put together a skeletal structure of what will happen in each month and then broken it down into daily portions, so I haven't got that far in actually writing it! However, I've completed the first two days and here they are! (Added by edit: I will now add all new posts to this first one to make it easier to read)

Literary agents form an orderly queue.....




DIARY OF BRIDEZILLA


Wednesday 16th May

I’m ENGAGED! Finally he did it! Came home after an awful day of screaming customers at the call centre, to find a trail of rose petals up the stairs, a bottle of champers in the bedroom and Andy stark bollock naked on the bedroom floor, arse in the air and head under the bed. He’d managed to drop the ring and it got stuck between two floorboards so after much heaving the bed around and digging it out with tweezers he got down on naked knee and asked me to marry him. Don’t think I pushed him into it TOO much, although the Goldsmiths catalogues on the coffee table might have been a bit of a prompt. Anyway, I said yes, obviously, then I let him do that thing that we hardly ever do. A girl has to compromise every now and then. Phoned mum to let her know, although I think she had been sleeping because she sounded awfully tired and not terribly interested. Will have to go round there with the wedding mags I’ve had hidden in the bottom of the wardrobe.
Trina was SO excited though and screamed down the phone for ages. Chief bridesmaid, natch. Might have to ask Andy’s sister too to keep the peace. Not sure about her though as she’s ginger and I want pink bridesmaid dresses so she’ll clash awfully in the photos. Maybe I could get her to dye her hair. Blonde might be nice.
The ring was nice. He didn’t get it quite right though, I really wanted a big cluster of bling and I’ve ended up with a small solitaire. Andy was quite apologetic when I complained about the size - something about a month’s wages not getting very much in the diamond world and his grandmother giving him her ring. Still, he can always buy another one later on. Something to match the really blingy wedding ring I’ve had my eye on. Bit embarrassed about having to show the ring off at work though - it’s not going to impress them much. Might have to get a cubic one to flash about, they’ll never know.
Must have a HUGE engagement party! Will have to flutter eyelashes at daddy to get him to have it at the golf club. Pretty sure he should pay for it as well as the wedding. Don’t really want to invite Andy’s dull relatives but don’t suppose we’ll have much choice. Would be much nicer with my friends there. Those IT people he works with are terribly geeky. Last year his works Christmas do they were all droning on about servers and other stuff. I’m sure they’re all internet p*** addicts, not one of them has an attractive girlfriend. Although the bloke he sits next to, David, did bring along a girl but she was a bit nerdy and had absolutely NOTHING to say when I asked her which designer her shoes were from. DOLCIS apparently! How high street! I smiled nicely but honestly the girl could’ve made more of an effort. Andy got a bit huffy with me when I said I was bored. How is it my fault they’re all dorks?


Thursday 17th May
Back at work today - YAWN. Did show the girls my ring, they were surprisingly nice about it, saying how lovely it is to have an heirloom passed down. Not sure how much I should value their opinion though especially as Janet buys her clothes from River Island and New Look - and ADMITS IT! Might get it valued for “insurance” purposes - might be worth a bit more than I thought! Kim - boss from hell - had a right go at me for surfing the net for wedding sites. The old bat will never get married - too busy looking after that bossy mother of hers. She can’t possibly understand how this is the biggest day of a girl’s life and it’s SO important that my wedding is better than Andy’s sisters. His mother hasn’t stopped going on about how wonderful it was and didn’t she make a beautiful bride. Yeah, in a ginger kinda way. Who has a receiving line in this day and age? So totally boring and the best man speech was rubbish. I don’t care if he is a bit deaf , there’s no need to bloody shout.
Ginger sister in law to be (GSIL2B) had these HIDEOUS silk flowers. Got them on ebay apparently. Don’t think Andy’s parents gave them much money for the wedding because it certainly didn’t look very expensive. Andy says it’s the best wedding he’s ever been to and everyone had a fantastic time and GSIL2B and her hubby really enjoyed themselves and isn’t THAT what counts? Well, no actually! Unless our wedding gets into Glamorous Bride magazine what’s the point?
Am going to have to educate Andy on the finer points of wedding planning. Mentioned to him this morning that we’re going to have to start looking for a venue and he rolled his eyes and said I’m getting too excited about it and we should leave it for a bit. Don’t think the man understands how crucial it is to get booking before an evil bride to be takes my favourite venue. He suggested the local football club hall. Over my dead body are we having our reception there. I’d rather poke my eyes out with a teaspoon than invite my friends to a football club. I suggested the National History Museum, but at £12,000 just for the hire he said it was “hideously ostentatious and expensive”. Isn’t that what weddings are supposed to be?
Wonder how much time I can get away with looking for wedding dresses online before boss from hell finds out? Might have to ask that geek in IT to see if she can track what I’m looking at. Want her to think I’m v overworked and underpaid. I so deserve a raise, but she keeps giving me ridiculous targets to achieve before she’ll give me one. How am I supposed to get to work on time EVERY DAY? With her mop of frizz she just doesn’t get it that a proper session with GHDs takes at least 20 minutes and I’m not coming into work until it’s poker straight!

Friday 18th May.
Got into work on time by the skin of my teeth this morning. Made Andy drop me off, which means he was 15 minutes late, but there was no way I was walking to the train station in the rain - does horrible things to my hair and I went straight out from work tonight to meet Trina and the girls.
Went to the O Bar for drinks - fabulous G&Ts there - flirted with the barman who is SO dishy and obviously fancies me. Tori said it was unfair to lead him on when I’m an old engaged woman but she’s just jealous because she’s got strange skin and no one ever looks at her, bless her. Another one to avoid for bridesmaid duties though - acne is not a good look in wedding photos. She’s a brilliant organiser though so might have her arrange the hen night. If Trina did it we’d be having drinks in our local the night before the wedding. Events have never really been her thing. Cat turned up late (as usual). She had the most FANTASTIC Chloe bag. Apparently Giles bought it for her when they went into town last weekend. It really annoys me that Andy only ever buys me the occasional bunch of flowers when Cat gets such amazing pressies for no reason. Giles is in investment banking so he’s not short of a penny or two. I told Andy that he should keep me in the style to which I have become accustomed and he said that just because I live in Richmond now doesn’t change the fact that I grew up in Essex and my dad drives a black cab and I should be more grateful for the things I DO have. Really should’ve stayed with vile Kenneth. He may be a bit self absorbed, but at least he appreciated that I need spoiling!
I heard that web designers make an absolute packet and told Andy he should do that, but apparently web design isn’t what he does. Beats me, it’s all computers, how difficult can it be to learn? If I didn’t push him he’d never achieve ANYTHING!
Got home to find he’d done the washing up and the laundry. One of my under wires got stuck in the drum on the washing machine which meant he had it in bits on the kitchen floor and hadn’t bothered to cook any dinner. Bought a Chinese and he fed me with chopsticks from the box - so sweet, if he hadn’t dropped sweet and sour sauce all over my new cashmere jumper.
Will go and see daddy tomorrow to talk about the wedding. Andy told me he asked him for permission to marry me and daddy said “you’re welcome to her, I wish you all the luck you’ll need” which is SO adorable!

Saturday 19th May
Went to see daddy today. His horrid girlfriend was there. She’s SO common and at 30 only five years older than me! Daddy says she keeps him young, but I think she just keeps her claws into his bank account! Andy and I discussed setting a date and settled on Saturday 4th May. Gives us almost a year to organise everything. Andy wanted to put it off another year and save up but I reassured him that daddy would pay for everything and it won’t cost us a penny. Haven’t actually asked daddy yet, but as his only daughter I’m sure he’ll expect to foot the bill. Had lunch there - didn’t even know sun dried tomatoes still existed. Very early ‘90s!
Andy went to the pub with Tony to watch the football this afternoon so I hit the shops. Couldn’t resist a peek in the bridal shop in town. All seems a bit samey though and I want to stand out! Simply must have the biggest, princess-iest dress there is! Might have to get one made. Bought a gorgeous lipstick in the department store from some girl in a white dress with make up CAKED onto her face. Who needs botox when you can just shove your face under ten layers of super solid foundation? Must tell Tori.
Phoned mum again, am getting a bit miffed that she doesn’t want to talk about the wedding. I know she’s not been well but you’d think she’d make an effort. Tried talking to her about going to look at wedding dresses and she fobbed me off with some excuse about hospital appointments and doing it when she felt better.
Andy’s mum “popped round”. Why does she do that? No warning or anything! Andy hadn’t even had time to tidy the flat this morning so it was a real tip and I could just see her turning her nose up. She always waits until she knows he’s out as well and I get lumbered with having to talk to her. She did look through some wedding magazines with me though - and picked the most hideous mother of the groom outfits out! Have realised I’m going to have to set a strict colour code and skirt length rule for both mums! She even mentioned getting a white dress. As IF! The only girl in white on my day will be ME!

Sunday 20th May
Had a HUGE row with Andy this morning. He ended up staying in the pub all evening whilst I watched Dirty Dancing at home, and rolled in stinking of beer. Told me he loved me, and tried to have a grope - revolting. Tried to drag him out of bed this morning to go to church and he refused to budge! Am trying to get into the vicar’s good books by attending before we book it for the wedding but Tony says we’re hypocritical to get married there when we have never been before and he’d rather go and get married on a beach somewhere.
He’s just being ridiculous. Of course we must have a church wedding. GSIL2B had a registry office do and it was awful. I’m not having my pictures taken outside some dingy office! The church down the road has a lovely graveyard for us to have photos done in. I wonder if the vicar would let me change the flowers on the graves so they match my theme? Some of the old flowers on them look terribly untidy.
Andy said he’d be likely to be struck down by lightening as soon as he gets to the alter and would feel strange about saying vows in church when he’s not a big believer in God. Like THAT MATTERS! Our wedding will have the organ, choir and full complement of bell ringers!
Might have a bit of trouble choosing hymns though as the only ones I know are Morning Has Broken and All Things Bright and Beautiful. I will persuade Andy to watch Songs of Praise for penance for coming home drunk and he can make a few notes on the music.
Tony apparently told him last night that he was rushing into things and we should spend some more time living together before we get married. Like he would know! Just because he’s a smug married with three kids does not make him the authority on our relationship. Did ask Andy to mention that he won’t be allowed to bring his kids to the wedding as they are rather unruly and tend to be a bit loud but he refused to say anything. Think Tony is going to end up as best man. Dread to think what the speech will be like. Will have to keep him away from the bar. Andy wants us to invite him and Louise around for dinner so that he can ask him properly but all Louise wants to talk about is her kids. Why is it that when women become mothers the most fascinating thing in the world to them is the colour of their offsprings poo? Will never EVER be like that. There are more important things in a child’s upbringing - like baby Gap clothes and Bugaboo strollers!


Monday 21st May

Back at work. Boss from hell gave me a mini lecture on actually answering some calls and completing customer requests. I hate my job, it’s so dull. I think I might become a wedding planner as I’m sure my wedding will be something to talk about! It can’t be that hard, book a few cars, order a cake, buy a dress et voila! The devil is in the detail though and I’m going to make sure everyone notices the little touches. Asked Andy what he thought as giving goldfish away as favours this morning and got a non-committal grunt. Maybe butterflies would be better. Janet went out and got my lunch from M&S for me (wedding diet starts tomorrow) and told me about her wedding. I hate to sound bitchy, but it sounds awful. Cava instead of champagne and peach bridesmaid dresses - URGH!
Janet and John (haha…. Shouldn’t laugh really), went to Wales on their honeymoon. WALES! I wouldn’t go there for a wet weekend let alone my honeymoon. Maldives or nothing! Andy’s organising the honeymoon actually and it’s meant to be a surprise but I’ve given him a strict list of 10 places we could go - Maldives, Bali, Seychelles, Bahamas, Thailand, Madagascar, Jamaica, St Lucia, Cuba and at a push Venice. He went off to the travel agents today armed with a list. Actually, I think he was a bit distracted this morning because when we were talking about it he started going on about gardening! We don’t even have a garden! What on earth is he going to do with a money tree?
Boss from hell’s boss came down to my desk to wish me congratulations on my engagement. He’s SO sweet! Asked if we plan to have kids soon after getting married - not sure it’s legal to do that actually but it’s lovely he’s taking an interest - and whether I’d be taking the maximum maternity leave. Reassured him that children won’t be on the cards until I can afford plastic surgery to put my tummy back the way it was and he was horribly disappointed for me, which was rather touching!
Andy cooked chilli for dinner tonight. I keep meaning to come home and cook but I’m just so EXHAUSTED after a day in the office I couldn’t possibly. Anyway, he’s so good at it. It’s not true what they say about men and multi tasking because he managed to cook the dinner AND hoover the bedroom. I looked through the brochures he brought home. Some of them aren’t nearly exclusive enough to have our honeymoon there so I ripped those pages out.

Tuesday 22nd May

I cannot believe it! The chubby girl from the desk opposite me, Sarah, Sandra, Sandy, something or other got promoted! What has she got that I haven’t, apart from a doughnut addiction?! Boss from hell called us all into the board room to announce the news while Chubby went pink in the face and stuttered about how honoured she was. If they make her my supervisor I will have a fit! Janet said that she was so surprised that I wasn’t given the role, given my great interpersonal skills and that I shouldn’t take it to heart because it’s not like Chubby will be sleeping her way to the top any time soon. Had words with boss from hell who said I should use it as inspiration to work harder towards a promotion. She’ll be lucky to get much work out of me now I tell you!
Spent lunchtime, and some of the afternoon, surfing the net for venues. If we HAVE to get married in Essex then I’m finding a great big mansion to have it in! I’d much rather get married in Richmond but dad thinks mum might not be well enough to go that far in a car. Surely they could up her medication for one day? Andy is still adamant he won’t get married in a church. Wonder if that new religion Madonna follows would do a glitzy wedding?
Janet’s wedding reception was in a village hall. Quaint, but not quite the luxurious look I’m going for. No bunting allowed! Apparently, the vicar got really drunk and made a pass at Janet’s mum. Can’t imagine anyone ever making a pass at mine – bless her!
Told dad I’m not keen on having his horrid girlfriend at the wedding. He said she’s coming and that’s that – can’t really argue as he’s footing the bill I suppose. Maybe we could give her a few dodgy prawns the night before the wedding. Will have a word with the photographer to put her on the edge of groups and cut her out the photos.
Trina called me to say that Kate and Jerry have got engaged and are getting married two months before me and Andy! The cow! She’s done it on purpose! Will go to her awful wedding and outdo her by miles! Andy says we should have OUR day and not worry about what other people are doing, but I’m not letting her win! She can have her top city job and Merc but parties are what I do best!
Had a snuggle on the sofa with Andy tonight. He fed me ice-cream with a tea spoon and rubbed my feet. Stilettos are a killer. He could really do with some hand cream though as his hands are a bit on the rough side. Wonder if I could get him to have a manicure for the wedding. I’ve heard a sac, back and crack wax are the latest thing, and he always says he’d do anything for me!


Wednesday 23rd May

Threw a sickie today. No way was I going in to work to watch Chubby be smug and bossy. Janet said she’d cover for me so I spent the day at home with a bunch of wedding mags and a packet of shortbread biscuits. Boss from hell called and asked if I was okay, but I know she was just trying to see if I was pulling a sickie. Can’t BELIEVE she doesn’t trust me! Janet said Chubby has been moved from opposite me to sit with boss from hell and a new girl has joined today. 19 and stick thin. Better start buying her doughnuts.
Wedding mags are interesting but the some of the real life stories are terrible! If that’s the best they can find imagine how hideous the weddings they leave out must be! I even saw one with a size 16 bride!!!!! Thin is in. It wouldn’t happen in Vogue.
Andy came home from work early and we had some very naughty sex in the bath. He said afterwards he knew there was a reason he was marrying me. I told him that it’s that and the fact he’ll never find another princess like me obviously and he grinned and went to make us chicken curry for dinner.
Broached the subject of a church wedding again and Andy wouldn’t budge. Have decided to book the church near dad’s place and gently persuade him. More baths might work. Still stuck for a reception venue though. Chortley House is nice, but the biggest room they have only holds 250 people and I want at LEAST double the amount of guests that GSIL2B had. Wonder if we could get them to build an extension. Could have a marquee in dad’s garden. Not sure portaloos are that glamorous though.
There’s a massive castle in Colchester. Wonder if they hire that out. I’m pretty sure I could persuade them.
Phoned Kate to congratulate her and Jerry. Said how delighted they are that they’re having their wedding before us so we can learn from all their mistakes. She’s having an engagement party in two weeks - must sort ours out ASAP. Andy says we shouldn’t bother and should concentrate on having a lovely wedding and enjoying our time together but he just doesn’t get how important it is for me to declare our commitment to the world. And anyway, I’m not buying her an engagement present if I know I’m not going to get one back.


Thursday 24th May

Went back to work. Boss from hell said she was surprised that I got food poisoning considering how I bang on about Andy being such a good cook. Snidey cow. No need for that. I rose above it though and nicked the last camomile tea bag out of her desk drawer.
The bimbette that started yesterday was there when I walked in. All blonde hair extensions, false nails and fake smile. I told to just shout whenever she had a problem - Janet will help. Andy is so not coming to our Christmas do if she’s still there.
Called Chortley house today and had a chat with the wedding co-ordinator . Am going to drag Andy there on Saturday. We need to book a venue and 250 people might have to do. We can always cut Andy’s workmates from the guest list if there’s not enough room. Emma, the co-ordinator, said they do have availability on May 4th but we’d need to hurry to book or we’d miss out as they get booked out pretty quickly. I’m sure it’s a sales technique. I will not be bullied into anything!
Andy’s mum called tonight and asked when we’re having our engagement party and would we like it at their house. Erm, no we WOULD NOT! Cannot imagine Trina sipping tea on their paisley sofa. Will have our party the weekend after Kate & Jerry and have asked the O Bar if we can have a nice private area cordoned off. They wouldn’t close the whole bar for the evening for fear of upsetting the regulars. Have got them to make the most adorable little canapés - and not a cocktail sausage in sight! Must find a super funky DJ to keep the evening moving. I‘ll get Tor on the case.
Andy’s promised his parents we’ll go round there for Sunday lunch this week. Another afternoon listening to his father droning on endlessly about football and GSIL2B will be there with her sprog and hubby in tow so no doubt I’ll be forced to watch their wedding video again. GSIL2B did threaten to bring the birthing video, but unless they want me to vomit all over the couch I advised against it. Actually, you probably wouldn’t notice a puddle of sick on that pattern.
Trina popped round on her way home from work to drop off a whole pile of wedding mags from her cousin who got married three months ago. She’d earmarked all the pages of bridesmaid dresses she fancies. Hmm, not sure about any of them. There’s a fine line between wanting her to look nice and not wanting her to outshine me! Wonder if I bought her choccies every weekend if she’d put a stone on before next year.


Friday 25th May
Met the girls for drinks at the O bar after work. So there we were, chatting about work, handbags and which one of the Baldwin brothers we would shag when Tori announces she has a boyfriend! Tori NEVER has a boyfriend! His name is Greg, and he’s an accountant, but I don’t suppose she minds. Now if it’s not bad enough that she has a secret boyfriend but she met him SPEED DATING! How embarrassing! Have told her she’ll have to make up another story of how they met as I’ll never live it down. She’s promised we can meet him soon and am desperate to show off our new Denby dinner service so invited them round to ours tomorrow night. Trina said she’d rather have dinner with Michael Winner than spend the night with two couples, so I took that as a no.
Am quite excited about it actually. Will have to get Andy to cook something spectacular. Andy turned up at the end of the night and spent his time running his hands through my hair, which is a sure sign he stopped off at the pub with David on his way over to us. Slipped my foot out of my shoe and up his trouser leg under the table as I know he loves that. He still wouldn’t let me get out of lunch with his parents on Sunday though so there was no under the sheet action for him when he got home.
Have been seriously thinking about the venue for our reception. They have the most fantastic grounds with swans on the lake and a really beautiful long gravel drive which will be great for a grand entrance. Maybe a glass coach? Anyway, I’d love fireworks over the lake so they are definitely on the list. Must make a note to mention it to Emma on Saturday.
Daddy asked me today if we’d set a budget for the wedding. I hadn’t really thought about it, just assumed he’d give me his credit card and away we’d go but if he thinks it’s necessary I suppose I could put one together. £40k or so should just about cover it I think. I know he wouldn’t want us to scrimp on the luxuries so we’ll be going all out!
Had the most BRILLIANT idea for entertainment - a petting zoo! How cute would that be!? I’m sure Colchester Zoo could lend us a couple of llamas. Wonder if they’ll stretch to an elephant?


Saturday 26th May

Dragged Andy out of bed mega early so that we could drive over to Essex to see the venue. OH MY GOD. STUNNING! Loved it! Sooooooo beautiful. Even Andy said how pretty it was. Emma said there may be a few hitches with some of the things I want but she’ll look into it and let me know. Had a look around the Great Room. Should be enough room for 250 for a sit down dinner, and a band. Didn’t like the chairs much, might have to hire chair covers, although Glamour Bride did say chair covers are a bit chav. The carpet was awful though, will simply have to get them to replace it to match our theme. The staff uniforms are horrid too - like some local comprehensive uniform. Must be able to hire them some new ones. Perhaps something historical looking.
Andy wanted us to have bangers and mash for our wedding breakfast. If I wanted bangers and mash I’d be going to the local café! Fillet steak I think. God knows what we’ll do with the vegetarians. How many goat’s cheese tarts can one person eat? I’ve never really understood the point of vegetarians to be honest. They’re a right pain to cook for and all tend to be pale and a bit wet. Daddy’s horrid girlfriend used to be one, although daddy says she’s fond of a nice sausage now.
Tonight Tori came round with Greg. What a nice guy! Tori obviously absolutely adores him and they’re soooo well suited, what with them both being shy and a bit overweight. It’s so lovely that they’re together and they were very complimentary about Andy’s chicken cordon bleu. Must remember to clean the bathroom mirror though. Tori does have an awful habit of squeezing her zits between courses. You’d think at 24 she’d have grown out of it. Greg helped me put together the spreadsheet for the wedding budget. I’ve never been great with numbers being more of a creative type. £42k all in! Sent it off to daddy just before I went off to bed. Andy stayed up to see how much his internal organs would fetch on eBay.


Sunday 27th May
I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM! Daddy phoned me this morning and said he’d read the email with the wedding budget and wondered how we were going to be able to pay for everything? With his credit card, I said ,and he laughed! He said that there’s no way he’s paying for our wedding and for me to assume he was was a bit naïve. He said he’d give us a contribution towards costs, but that we shouldn’t expect it to be a fortune as he’s a black cab driver not a concorde pilot! I’m absolutely heartbroken that he could let his only daughter scrimp and save for her wedding! IT’s TRADITION for the father of the bride to pay! He’s being totally unreasonable and I bet his horrid girlfriend is behind this!
Andy suggested moving the date back another year so that we can save but there’s NO WAY I’m letting anyone know that daddy can’t afford it! He could remortgage the house for goodness sake. Grr. I’m very upset. Andy will simply have to get a second job. Phoned mum who said I shouldn’t expect much from her either, but she would offer to pay for the flowers.
Went to Andy’s parents for lunch. His dad spent hours endlessly droning on about the premiership and how some Spanish club wouldn’t be keeping Beckham beyond the end of the season. Now THERE was a wedding! The Beckham’s certainly know how to throw a party. I wonder if I could hire the thrones they had for their wedding reception. Not sure what I thought of Posh’s short hair though. Surely all brides should have long hair elegantly swept up in a complicated design for the veil to sit in?
GSIL2B made us sit through her wedding video AGAIN. Shot by some dodgy uncle with a touch of Parkinsons so the camera is shaking all over the shop. Andy’s mum made her dress and it was, erm, well bloody awful to be honest. All puffed sleeves and hundreds of petticoats. The cake had one of those bride and groom things on top made of PLASTIC.
Mother in law to be (MIL2B) suggested I wear GSIL2Bs dress as it would be nice (!!!) to have it passed down as a family tradition. Nearly choked on my roast potato and Andy saw the look in my eyes and said I’d already decided on a dress - which is so not true but I could’ve kissed him there and then over the roast beef!

Bank Holiday Monday 28th May
Lazed around in bed for AGES this morning. Had a lovely snuggle with Andy until he got up to make me boiled egg and soldiers for breakfast. What a sweetheart! Went off to the hairdressers and actually had something to say when they asked what I’d been up to! Getting engaged! Lots of oooing and aaahing at the ring (I’m growing to quite like it now). Loads of questions about what kind of dress I’m going to have, how I’m going to have my hair, who our wedding planner is. Hmm. Hadn’t really considered a wedding planner but now that I think about it I’m SO busy maybe one is absolutely essential! I’m sure we could squeeze one into the budget.
Trina met me for lunch and we got talking about who was going to be bridesmaid. So far - Trina (Chief Bridesmaid), GSIL2B (because I have to), Tori is a no due to horrid skin, Cat is a possibility - but so totally gorgeous that I’m not sure I want her centre stage, Andy’s God daughter Jodie as she’ll be 6 and look ADORABLE in the pictures, and possibly my cousin Sharon (might have to get her elocution lessons though. You can take the girl out of Essex…..). Would LOVE a page boy but don’t know anyone with a young son. Can you hire one? Trina said we should try and find someone a bit chubby to make the rest of us look good, but I’m not sure I want some porky girl in the pictures squeezed into a strapless dress and looking a bit like a pepperami!
Best man is definitely going to be Tony. I did say to Andy that it might be a good idea if we wrote his speech for him but he was having none of it. God. He’s never liked me although I’ve no idea why as I’m perfectly nice to him considering he dresses like a gypsy and talks like a dustman. Not really sure why Andy is friends with him. Think it’s something to do with Sunday league football.
Sat and watched Prime Suspect having a bit of a canoodle on the sofa tonight but he spoiled it totally by suggesting we cut the wedding budget - to 10k!!!!! I will not get married like a pauper!!!!! Got into a proper huff and Andy said I’m always flouncing off when we have a disagreement. Which is sooooo not true! Made him sleep on the sofa to think about how important our wedding actually is to him!


Tuesday 29th May

Boss from hell was sat at my desk when I came in this morning. She said she was looking for a stapler but I know she was pinching from my choccie collection in the bottom drawer! Cheeky cow! I’d never go stealing from her desk like that! Ate a whole Flake to make myself feel better and managed to hide it from Janet. Chocolate doesn’t count if no one sees you eat it.
Chubby came and gave us a new list of call targets and Bimbette complained about the amount of calls I’d passed over to her. I tried explaining that she’d never learn if she didn’t get the experience! Some people have no appreciation of how I’m trying to help them!
Andy came into the office to meet me for lunch today and she couldn’t stop drooling over him. I deliberately didn’t introduce them as she was obviously DYING to thrust her fake tits in his direction. Shameless! Andy didn’t notice anyway, he was too busy talking to that geek from IT about the latest version of Doom. I love him to bits, but I do wish he’d be a bit more interesting sometimes. Perhaps I could make him do some kind of night course. Salsa dancing? Fencing? Learning Italian? As long as he doesn’t go back to playing Sunday league football - took me AGES to get him to stop playing!
He took me to Palais de Papillion for lunch though and had the most divine quails egg omelette and shared a tarte au citron. Yummy! We had a look in a couple of antique shop windows on the way back and he mentioned how he’d love to have lots of dark wood furniture in a country house. I kept quiet but there’s no way I’m moving to the country. All those fields! I’m a city girl through and through and I’m not giving up my Philip Stark kitchen! Maybe we’ll just buy a bigger house with a bit of a garden and he can have a shed. Men like that kind of thing. Gave him a bit of a nudge outside the train station and he bought some flowers from the stall which were gorgeous and got lots of lovely comments when I strolled back into the office. Have put them in view of Chubby and right in front of me so I don’t have to look at Bimbette. Her and her Juicy Tubes are really beginning to get up my nose!


Wednesday 30th May

Got a nasty letter from the bank today. Apparently, I’m way over my overdraft and they want me to start paying some of it back. The woman on the phone talked to me like I was something she wiped off her shoe! I‘d never ever talk to one of our customers like that, except for that Scottish girl who keeps calling up with the same problem over and over and over again. I’ve absolutely NO idea what she’s saying. Why don’t those people learn to talk properly? Talked to Andy about paying my overdraft off for me and he gave me a lecture on responsibility and too many Jimmy Choos. As if there’s such a thing. Anyway, he’s paid it, which I knew he would because he’s just SO lovely and I totally fell in love with him all over again.
Called mum and she’s going to have to go for some more tests. These doctors are USELESS. They have no idea what’s wrong with her yet she’s tired ALL the time and looks like she’s at death’s door. Even my attempt at a make over on her with my Smashbox, Mac and Clinique a few weeks ago didn’t seem to do much.
Andy’s dad was there when I got home with his feet propped up on the coffee table watching some Sci-Fi film with Andy. No dinner ready. I have to do EVERYTHING! Whipped up spag bol and tried to talk to them about cravats and waistcoats for the wedding but they both just stared at me like I had two heads or something so I went off to have a bath and use up all the nice smelly stuff in the cupboard. Am a bit fuzzy at the moment so must see about getting my bits waxed. Never been keen on the idea before. I mean, who wants some strange woman poking around in your nether regions? But Andy said he quite liked the idea of a Hollywood so may have to brave the pain and give it a go. I am SO good to him! Am going to start a full on beauty regime for the wedding and I don’t think 12 months is too far in advance. Might buy Tori a set of facials for Christmas and if they can get her pizza face under control by the spring might reconsider her for bridesmaid. I’m sure she’ll understand if I don’t ask her, she knows how important it is to me for everything to be absolutely perfect and pores with pus do not equal beautiful!


Thursday 31st May

Dragged Janet shopping with me at lunchtime to get Kate and Jerry’s engagement present. What do you buy the couple that has everything? Don’t want to give them ANOTHER photo frame which is what everyone else and his wife will give them! When Jessie got engaged a couple of years ago she had 14 photo frames and 3 vases! So unoriginal! Decided to have a photo of the four of us put onto canvas for them. I did toy with the idea of just having the two of them on it, but I want them to remember who it’s from. It’s a really lovely one of me sat on the beach at Brighton with the wind blowing through my hair. Katie looks a bit sunburnt in it but once it’s up on the wall I’m sure no one will notice her nose.
Janet made me go into Clarks with her to look at some shoes. I almost died of shame. All those new adverts saying how cool they really are so not true. School shoes and granny slippers! Stopped off at Pret a Manger for lunch and then went back to the office where Chubby, Boss from hell and Bimbette were all having kittens about us both leaving our desks at the same time and who the hell was meant to cover it and they only have one pair of hands each etc etc etc. You’d think we’d left them to man a nuclear submarine the way they were going on!
Andy came home with a surprise for me tonight! A wedding mag! Have successfully hidden the other dozen in the wardrobe so he thought it was the first one I’d seen. He even looked through it with me pointing out which dresses he liked and didn’t. He’s going to get SUCH a shock! He likes all the tall, slinky, fishtail numbers and I’m thinking more full skirt princess! I think he might actually be taking an interest! He mentioned that him and Tony had been talking about the wedding and he’d officially asked him to be Best Man and Tony said he would do it only if he gets to shag the Chief Bridesmaid. As IF! Firstly, his other half would cut his balls off, and secondly Trina wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot barge poll. He’s far too scruffy and he doesn’t earn nearly enough money!
Told Andy that one of my old work mates would be his Best Man and he said there’s no way on earth he’s letting someone he doesn’t know organise his stag do. I hadn’t thought he would have one to be honest. He never likes to be away from me for too long and I just know he’d hate to be out drinking till all hours and sat in a lap dancing club. I will be having stern words with Tony!


Friday 1st June

I bought the most GORGEOUS tiny little black dress for Kate & Jerry’s party tomorrow night. All sequins and glitter. Andy’s eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw me in it. So sweet of him to worry about me getting cold, he even offered to make sure I have a clean cardigan for tomorrow, but I don‘t think I‘ll bother with one. Will wear sky scrapper heels and my gorgeous Tiffany necklace that Andy bought me for Christmas last year. Wrapped up the gift in the most divine hand crafted paper and topped it off with silk roses and ribbons. Stunning. If the present is anything to go by, our reception room is going to look FABULOUS. Trina is always telling me what fabulous taste I have.
Cat called to say her and Giles are definitely going tomorrow, and to ask if Tori is bringing Greg. Warned Cat that Greg is a bit dull but as his an accountant and Giles is a banker they might have something in common. It’s all numbers isn’t it? Cat laughed and said she’d never known Giles not to get on with anyone and wasn’t it great that Tori had found someone? Of course it’s great, I couldn’t want anything more for Tori but it’s going to be a bit of a pain when Andy goes away with work. Who am I going to have as my fall back plan now? She’ll simply have to tell Greg she can’t see him on those nights as I know our friendship takes FIRST PLACE in Tori’s life. Tori called as well to ask if Andy and I would like a lift to the rugby club where the party is taking place. I had NO idea it was at a rugby club. Apparently Jerry plays at the weekends. How funny to be having your engagement party in a place covered with trophies and the smell of sweaty socks. I’m surprised at Katie to be honest, she always used to be such a classy girl and wouldn’t be seen dead without her make up. These days she swans about in Jerry’s old t-shirts with her hair scraped back into a pony tail and FLAT SHOES! I hope she makes a bit of an effort tomorrow night. It would be such a shame for her to let herself go just because she’s getting married - although saying that if she’s a minging bride it won’t be difficult for me to out do her.


Saturday 2nd June,

I am FUMING! Went off to Kate and Jerry’s engagement party tonight. Tori came to pick us up and as much as I hate her old banger of a car, it did save us the cost of a cab. So, we get there, and the first thing was that they’d hired the CHEESIEST DJ you’ve ever heard! All Agadoo and Opps Up Side Your Head. Kate was even on the floor doing the rowing boat movements with Jerry’s really common friends. Once I’d got over that and we‘d given Kate our engagement present (“ooo how lovely, we’ll have to put it up in the downstairs loo”!!!!!!??!!!), the girls and I were chatting to the bride to be about who she was having as bridesmaids. She’s asked her sister, her cousin and TORI! Tori actually squealed, like a pig! I can’t believe that she’d rather have crater face than ME as her bridesmaid!!!! I smiled sweetly though and said what a great choice she’d made and that not many people look at the photos after the wedding anyway.
Andy pulled me away and said to stop sulking because it’s not like I was going to ask Kate to be my bridesmaid was it? Which is true, but is SO NOT THE POINT! He promised me a new pair of Jimmy Choos if I put a smile back on my face and gave him a snog, which obviously I wasn’t going to do in public, but I did manage a quick peck on the cheek.
They had the most terrible buffet too. All cheese and pineapple on sticks, mini sausage rolls and vol au vents. Didn’t even know you could still GET vol au vents! Apparently it was “retro” and I’d missed the point. Well if the point was to have a cheap and nasty buffet that looks like a kids birthday party then I don’t think I missed it at all!
I do wonder if it’s a sign of things to come. How dreadful will their wedding be if it’s all 1980’s memorabilia with flying saucers as favours and tables named after TV programmes like the A-Team and Wonder Woman!? I don’t think I could bear it to be honest, it’d be a total travesty of a wedding day and you only get to do it once don’t you? Well, except in Tony’s case where he’s on marriage number 2 and had his wedding reception at the dog track!

Sunday 3rd June

Woke up in a terrible mood this morning and Andy said I’m his little grumpy bear, which almost made me smile. Had a long bath with this week’s OK magazine and when I got out, he made me get dressed and dragged me out of the house. When we got over to Richmond Park I realised he’d laid out a picnic on the grass! Champagne, strawberries, pate and French bread. He said he wanted to be away from the house so that we could talk properly about the future and for one horrible second my heart leapt into my throat and I thought he was going to dump me. Then I came to my senses and realised he’d never find anyone like me again and that was a RIDICULOUS notion.
Andy said that he wants our wedding to be a representation of us both and what we mean to each other and not to be a circus with all the trimmings just because we’re trying to out do someone else and did I think we could keep it simple and elegant? I said that just because I want it to be like a fairytale does not mean it’s not going to be elegant and that I wanted a day that everyone remembers for all the right reasons - which includes being the most fabulous bride and having some little touches that are slightly unusual. That seemed to be the trick because he was happy to lie on the grass with the Sunday papers reading out the bits he found interesting - although why he’s so enthralled with Middle Eastern politics is beyond me and I was a teeny bit bored by the time we packed up the leftovers to go home.
Got back to find a note pushed under the door from Trina to say she’d been round and she really needed to speak to me. Called her immediately and she was wailing down the phone about how Kate hadn’t asked her to be a bridesmaid and how unfair it is and she could’ve let her know before she announced to the world who she HAD asked to be her bridesmaids. I told her calmly that she was getting worked up over nothing and you’d never see ME getting upset about something like that, and anyway, she’s MY chief bridesmaid and my wedding will be a hundred times better than Kate’s - and did she know where I could hire a glass coach with six white horses because I’m really keen to have one!


Monday 4th June
Asked Boss from hell today if I could take Friday off of work as holiday as I need to finalise all the arrangements for our engagement party and need to go and give notice at the registry office. Andy won’t be moved on the church thing so I’ve decided we’ll have a really lavish civil ceremony at our venue which will be just as good as a church without the boring bits and the drafty building.
Had a bit of a chat over email with Cat and Trina about the whole church vs. civil ceremony thing and said I wouldn’t feel properly married if it wasn’t in a church and I didn’t know why, it’s just what I’d always imagined. Cat was incredibly blunt about the whole thing and said she thought it was hypocritical for us to get married in a church when we never go which I thought was a bit harsh and uncalled for as it‘s not as if I want to get married at St Paul’s! Trina said she understood why we’d want really beautiful photos but perhaps we could have pictures done in the grounds of the mansion and they’d be just as pretty without all the nasty gravestones. She has a point! All those dead people give me the creeps anyway.
Andy gave me a proper soothing massage tonight which was totally awesome and led to other things, although I think that may have been the reason he did it in the first place but hey, I’m not complaining. We had a really lovely cuddle in bed and stroked my hair and told me how beautiful I am. Always nice to hear, even though I do know I’m the best looking girlfriend he’s ever had because the last one was a total MOOSE and I made him throw out all the old photos he had of her in his albums. I’ve no idea what he ever saw in her. The silly cow dumped him and went off travelling to “find herself”. I reckon if she walked around Kwik Save she’d find herself pretty quickly! I really don’t like to think of Andy “doing” things with her. Urgh. Although how he found anything between her thunder thighs is a mystery to me. He always was up for a challenge!



Tuesday 5th June
Did absolutely bugger all at work today. It suddenly occurred to me, I’m going to be a Mrs! Sounds awfully grown up and makes me think of my mum. Spent most of the day practicing my new signature. Bimbette caught me doing it on the back of my notebook during our team meeting and took GREAT pleasure in pointing it out to everyone. Cow. It’s not like a slapper like her could ever understand how fantastic it is to be getting married!
Am a bit concerned about losing my surname though. It’s taken 25 years for me to build my identity and what if I lose it and no one realises who I am? I don’t want to be just Andy’s wife. Talked to him about it tonight and asked if he’d consider taking my name instead and he got all macho and defensive about it and said he never asks for much and now I want to change the one tradition that really means something to him. He’s SO selfish! I wonder if he’d double barrel? It would make us sound SO classy to have a double barrelled name! My name would have to come first, naturally.
Maybe I’ll just keep my maiden name for work and use my married one for everything else. Although I do want everyone to know that I got married and was looking forward to sending an email to the entire company with a “this is my new email address” message so they all get to hear about it.
Am struggling with what to do about work in general actually. In terms of inviting them to the wedding. There’s 170 people in the company, 20 in our department and Boss from hell, Chubby, Bimbette, Janet and that weedy boy that never says anything in our team. Do I invite all 170? Andy nearly hit the roof when I suggested it! He just doesn’t understand that I’m very important to the running of the firm and EVERYONE loves me, so will all be horribly offended if they don’t get an invite. Andy said not to be ridiculous and no one will expect an invitation and I should only invite those people I really like - which cuts it down to just Janet, and even she gets on my nerves some days. Perhaps we could invite them all to the evening and just have a couple to the sit down reception. It’d be great to see GSIL2B’s face when the evening guests arrive and we absolutely FILL the place!


Wednesday 6th June
That’s it, Bimbette is officially struck off the engagement party invite list! Over her sushi lunch today, she started going on about how all the people she knows that have bothered to have an engagement party haven’t actually got married, and how it’s just a blatant attempt to get some attention and some gifts for no real reason and did I think it was really necessary to drag all our family and friends to a bar when they already know we’re engaged?
Well YES actually! It IS necessary!
I was so upset. Called Andy on my mobile from the toilets and he said not to pay any attention to her, she’s just jealous and we’ll have a fabulous party and a brilliant wedding and not to get rattled by it. Tried to rack my brains to remember who we know who has had an engagement party and has actually got married and I can’t think of one! But then none of my close friends are wed yet, and Andy’s friends are all emotionally stunted so that’s no surprise really. We will be the first, well unless Kate and Jerry actually make it up the aisle. That witch is SO competitive!
I went and picked up the party bags I’ve ordered for Saturday tonight. Gorgeous hand made pink felt bags with silver feathers on them. We plan to give everyone a slice of engagement cake and a Polaroid of us at the party in a frame to take away with them. Also got some beautiful glittery pink table confetti and some indoor sparklers as I want it too look super special and so different to any other engagement party I’ve ever been to before.
I thought about doing a speech about how I’ve found my soul mate and how delighted we are to have everyone there, but Andy said it was too much and I should just play the perfect hostess and flit around the room. He’s right of course, too much sentimentality too early makes everyone feel uncomfortable. I’ll save it for the wedding. I’ve been practicing how to cry when we say our vows in such a way that I don’t have red puffy eyes because that’s SO unattractive! I wonder if I could get away with a Gwyneth Paltrow style speech after Andy has done his. I’m determined not to have a dry eye in the house!


Thursday 7th June
After a tedious day of answering narky customers it was SUCH a relief to head into town to meet Trina for some retail therapy. Had a swift G&T in the O Bar before we hit the shops and got dragged to see a gazillion bikini’s with Trina. It’s alright for her with her washboard stomach and her endless legs. Bikinis are no good when you have muffin tops believe me - even if I do carry them well.
I decided I had to buy something completely spectacular for Saturday night so we went on the hunt for something stunning, in red. I almost considered wearing a red wedding dress as a sort of “I’m getting married” statement, but Trina said we’d never get one in time and I should save the “wow” moment for our wedding day.
Finally picked one out, just above the knee with no back and lovely long tassles across the front of it so that it shakes when I walk, a bit like something you’d see a salsa dancer wear. Had to get shoes to match, natch. And that’s where the problems started. Why is it that when you just want to browse in a shop you get a dozen spotty shop assistants buzzing round you like flies, but when you actually want to BUY something, you can’t find one for love nor money?! Drives me bonkers! Finally collared a girl with nose and lip piercings and shockingly purple hair so that I could try on my 4 inch patent, peep toe, red stilettos and she disappeared into the stockroom for 20 minutes. I could swear she was in there smoking something dodgy. I don’t know why anyone would want a facial piercing like that. She looked like something you’d see on a “I Went To London” postcard. I know it’s meant to be an expression of individuality and all that, but it’s not very individual when every 17 year old has one. Don’t even get me started on tattoos. And why do they always look like they haven’t had a wash for a week? It’s disgusting! SOAP! Every heard of it love?
Friday 8th June
Oh my GOD! It feels real. It feels REALLY real now. Went to work this morning and was the bigger person and asked Bimbette to come to the engagement party tomorrow. Boss from Hell, Chubby, Janet, bosses boss and the weedy boy who never says anything are all coming. That’s a few more to bump up numbers at least. Then had the afternoon off to do last minute preparations for the party. Andy came to pick me up and told me he had a surprise so I got in the car a bit suspicious thinking he was going to whisk me away somewhere so we couldn’t have the party and then we pulled up outside the registry office.
We were going to give notice! He’d booked an appointment for us and we were there to put our names up on the board to declare to the world that we’re getting married just in case anyone objects. I would hunt them down and kill them if they did though, obviously.
We had to wait in a dingy room with two refugee looking women with scarves on their heads waiting to register the births of their babies. Andy squeezed my hand and told me not to worry, it’d be easy and we’ll sail through. I actually had no idea what giving notice entails so was absolutely bricking it by the time the registrar called our names.
She called us into a room together and started asking us for paperwork which Andy pulled out of his back pocked, then proceeded to ask us questions about what we do for a living, when our birthdays are, what our parents do, where we live etc. Then she asked us when we’re getting married and ANDY GOT IT WRONG! I actually gasped. I literally took a sharp intake of breath and just stared at him. How embarrassing! I could’ve quite happily removed both his bollocks and had them made into earrings at that point.
Anyway, we got through it and I forgave him, as I’m nice like that and I really wanted him to go and pick the cake up from the bakers so that I could meet Trina and Tori in the O Bar to go through instructions for tomorrow night. Both the girls were so excited about it. Tori was given the task of taking our pics with the Poloroid camera throughout the night so we’d have enough photos to give to everyone to take home. Trina will be on topping up my champagne glass duty and making sure I look IMMACULATE. I can’t WAIT! So excited! It’ll be good practice for being a bride and I will be the perfect hostess.


Saturday 9th June
The O Bar was packed with our friends and family this evening. Even Mum managed to drag herself there, although she did spend most of the evening sat in a corner with Aunty Eileen nursing a soda water. I don’t suppose that it helped that Dad turned up with Horrid Girlfriend. She was dressed in the skimpiest top I’ve ever seen, teamed with trousers that were TOTALLY too tight. Camel toes is SO not a good look.
Trina and Tori came with me for a manicure this morning manicure this morning and had to have my nails done twice as the dozy girl gave me pink nail polish when I had specifically told her I would be wearing a red dress! We then spent the afternoon filling the party bags with some confetti and mini Molton Brown products. The cake Andy had picked up last night was gobsmaking. A miniature wedding cake in chocolate ganashe. YUMMY! It was almost too fabulous to cut in to.
I spent a good half an hour cleaning my engagement ring with a babies toothbrush to get it extra sparkly and slipped my diamond earrings into my ears to give me an extra bit of bling. Trina helped me zip my dress up and we were set to go. I had butterflies I was so excited!
Andy made a really lovely speech about how he was gaining a fiancé and losing a bank balance and everyone laughed a bit too hard. I managed to resist the temptation to say something to everyone and instead showed off my ring to all the relatives I haven’t seen for ages. GSIL2B arrived with hubby and baby in tow and I was mortified! Who brings a baby to an engagement party? I told Andy he’d have to tell them to leave but he had a quiet word with the bar manager and persuaded him to let them keep the baby hidden in its carrier under the table. Which is the best place for a baby if you ask me.
Bimbette arrived with her boyfriend, who we hadn’t even invited, wearing something that even Jodie Marsh would be ashamed to be seen in in public. Just because she has a belly button jewel and a tattoo on her upper thigh does not mean we would all like to see it! She simpered at Andy for a bit, which I thought was a bit off in front of her boyfriend even if he does look like he’s related to the Krays, so I dragged him away to refill Mum’s glass.
Janet and the others from work turned up incredibly late and half cut! Janet swore they had been delayed by the train but I have a funny feeling they’d all stopped off for drinks before coming to the party. If they were trying to avoid Bimbette and her bonehead boyfriend I can understand why I suppose.
All in all though it was a thoroughly successful night. Andy made sure Tony behaved and Dad didn’t do anything too embarrassing. I’m pretty sure Kate and Jerry were SEETHING with jealousy when they saw our Poloroid pictures in frames idea. Classic! There were a few pictures of me on my own though as Andy got a bit irritable about being dragged off to have his picture taken and I figured, well the bride is more important than the groom anyway.


Sunday 10th June
Woke up a bit fuzzy this morning. The lashings of champagne didn’t help I don’t think. Andy made me a lovely coffee and snuggled up feeding me chocolate digestives in bed. When we dragged ourselves out of our pit we realised we hadn’t opened any of the engagement cards of presents given to us last night.
I plan to keep a “memories” box to look back in in future years and engagement cards are definitely going in! There were some lovely ones. My mum had made one herself which said on the front “To my daughter and future son-in-law on your engagement” which I thought was very touching, if a little bit Blue Peter. Lots of picture frames as presents. I have no idea where we’re going to hang them all, it’s not as if they even all match. Kate and Jerry copied my idea and got a picture put on canvas - but it was OF THEM! The cheek! There were quite a few people who turned up without even a card let alone a present. How bloody ungenerous can you get? We lay on lovely nibbles, fantastic music and some great company and they turn up empty handed! I’m keeping a note and they will not be getting much for Christmas I can tell you! I’m having second thoughts about inviting them to the wedding too. If they turn up to THAT with no present there will be harsh words. Andy said it was great to see everyone and it’s not as if it’s obligatory to bring a gift, but I wouldn’t DREAM of turning up empty handed at an engagement party. Have these people never heard of etiquette? Actually, I doubt Bimbette could even spell etiquette let alone describe what it is. Her bone head boyfriend had to practically carry her home last night. I didn’t even know the O Bar served Bacardi Breezers!
We spent the afternoon in a pub down by the river in Richmond. Absolutely beautiful day! Sat on the grass with our bottle of wine and plastic glasses we chatted about last night and how we really feel like the wedding is going to happen. Andy asked me if I was sure I liked my engagement ring and I lied and said it’s the best ring he could’ve given me.



Monday 11th June
Boss from hell was going on today about how she’s lost half a stone in a week and is hitting the swimming pool after work for some serious breast stroke. The only breast stroke I get up to these days is when Andy has a fiddle with my nips, but I stretched the truth slightly and said I’d been going down to the gym to get in shape for the wedding.
It did make me think though, these muffin tops aren’t going to go away by themselves. In the days before Andy I’d quite often go to the gym with Trina, although we spent quite a considerable amount of time in the sauna and I wasn’t keen on prancing around in front of all those girls with bits of cheese wire up their bums. We did always manage to get on an exercise bike if someone a bit flabby came in though. It’s nice to show them what they can achieve. These days though, exercise is something we do in the bedroom and my hidden chocolate supply is beginning to show on my arse. Some days I think I should just staple a bar of Dairy Milk to my thighs and miss out the middle man - it’s going to end up there anyway!
I’ll get Tori to go with me to the swimming pool. Her tummy is WAY bigger than mine so she’ll be a distraction for everyone as we walk from changing room to water. I tried persuading Andy to come, but he says swimming is for girls and that he USED to do plenty of exercise when he played Sunday league football and whose fault is it that he doesn’t do that any more? It’s not the exercise I objected to, it’s the WAGs that I’d have to hang around at the goal line with. Either they turn up dressed in the most ridiculous high heeled shoes and trowelled on make up, or they’re in their other half’s football shirt with nasty Asda trainers and a baby in tow. I have much better things to do with my time on a Sunday. Like Hollyoaks, and museums, although the museum trips are few and far between admittedly.
Right, that’s it, Davina’s work out DVD here we come. I can always turn the sound down, can bear to listen to her twittering on for half an hour.

Tuesday 12th June
I could’ve happily removed Bimbette’s head and poured the remainder of her skinny latte down the hole today. If she says to me one more time “ohhhhh you’d better not eat that or you’ll not get in your dress” I think I might staple one of her sleeves to her desk. Everyone’s watching me like a hawk. Every little bit of food that passes my lips is being evaluated and even Trina has turned into the diet police! Chill out guys, one little Flake is not going to be the end of the world. I’ve had to move my secret chocolate stash from my desk drawer to my handbag as Bimbette and Boss from Hell said that they should get to eat it because it’ll all be out of date by after the wedding. Like I’d let them get their grubby little mitts on my Galaxy!
Talking of chocolate, I’ve had the most FANTASTIC idea for the wedding reception. A chocolate fountain! Maybe we’ll have two, or even three. One dark, one milk and one white. Mmmmm yummy! It’ll be totally original! No one will have seen these before. Wonder how much one will cost? £50? Apparently they come equipped with lots of scrummy things to dip into the warm chocolate and someone to operate them. Don’t think I’ll bother getting someone to operate them, how difficult can it be to keep an eye on a couple of fountains? Maybe I’ll get the teenagers to watch them as their job for the day.
I think chocolate might feature quite a bit on our day. Must have an absolutely amazing chocolate wedding cake. Four tiers at least. Perhaps with fresh fruit on it and lots of sugar flowers. Mum might be able to make one for us, she’s always been a bit handy in the kitchen and I’m sure she won’t mind. I thought I might ask her to do the flowers too, and to look after the RSVPs and telling people what we want as presents. Maybe I’ll get her to do any alterations we need for the bridesmaid dresses too. That would keep the budget down a bit now that daddy is having palpitations about how much everything is costing.
Andy says that I need to start thinking about the basics and not get carried away with the luxuries, but it’s MY wedding day! I want it to be completely spectacular and if that means ice sculptures and chocolate fountains then so be it!

Wednesday 13th June
I went to Mum’s after work tonight to see how she’s getting on. God, she looks AWFUL! Proper grey and withered, it’s really not a good look. She said the doctor’s told her she’ll be okay but they should give her some vitamins or something. She never did say what was wrong with her, must remember to ask. Tried to persuade her to pluck her eyebrows and slap some make up on but she said there’s no point as she wasn’t going out. I’m never going to let myself go like that. No wonder Daddy left her if she won’t bother to make an effort.
We got talking about her wedding to Daddy and she dragged out an old carrier bag full of photos. Did they not have wedding albums in the ‘70s? Some of them were looking very tatty and dog eared and they were mostly black and white, although there were a couple that my uncles had taken which were in colour but a bit grainy. At least in those ones you could see what colours the bridesmaids were wearing.
Mum had on the most HIDEOUS empire line dress that was covered in lace and instead of a veil had a little crocheted white cap on. Don’t know what possessed her. Daddy was wearing a brown suit, which actually is back in fashion for weddings now, but not with MASSIVE collars and an orange kipper tie. The bridesmaids were in bright orange taffeta dresses, with massive floppy hats on and blue eye shadow. It all looked SO old fashioned. Mum said that at the time they thought the look was timeless but as years go by all weddings look a bit dated. Mine won’t. I’m going to be a fairy princess and that never looks out of date.
They held their reception at the local social club, with a buffet and a friend doing a disco. Sounds very cheap and nasty. Wish they’d had video’s back then because I’d love to see Daddy saying his vows but technology was only as advanced as the Space Hopper back then. All the guests looked like something out of The Sweeney and they served cheese and pineapple on sticks!
Mum offered me her wedding dress. The look of pure horror on my face must’ve been enough because she quickly put it away again. Might borrow the bracelet she had as my “something borrowed” but wouldn’t been seen dead in a 1972 dress.


Thursday 14th June
Oh. My. God. Andy has COMPLETELY lost his marbles. The rational, kind, sensitive man I am due to marry has been kidnapped by aliens and they’ve left a doppelganger in his place. This intruder has made the most ridiculous suggestion - that we invite Andy’s ex-girlfriend to the wedding. You could’ve heard a pin drop. I think my jaw actually hit the floor and I was temporarily stunned into silence. Not a common occurrence. Andy’s ex, the Big Boobed Small Brained One, is a nightmare to put it mildly. She insists on telling me how lucky I am that she decided not to marry him at every opportunity she gets. She also goes on and on and on about how fantastic it is that they’re still friends and aren’t I glad that she’s not some bunny boiling ex and we can swap notes. Um. NO! It really really grates on me that he’s still so chummy with her, but if I say anything I’m the one made out to look like a jealous cow while she sits there smirking her face off. I know she’s just dying to get her claws back into him. Last time we saw her was at one of their mutual friend’s birthdays and I really TRIED to be nice to her and complemented her on her dress (which was minging, but at least I was trying), and she had the cheek to say she’d happily lend it to me, but I’d have to drop a dress size first! I swear there was actual smoke coming out of my ears.
So anyway, Andy the intruder suggests we invite the Big Boobed Small Brained One, I hit the roof and he accuse ME of being unreasonable! I asked him how he’d feel if I wanted to invite one of my exes and he said that’s not likely seeing as they all avoid me like the plague. Okay, so I had a bad run of men before him and the relationships didn’t end well, but I was talking IN THEORY. I just know that if we invite her during that part where they ask if there’s any reason why we can’t be wed she’d be jumping up and down on her chair shouting “you can’t marry her, she’s not a size 10!”.
I’m putting my foot down on this one. I told him I might relent and let her be invited to the evening do, but there’s no way on God’s earth I’m letting her come to the ceremony and if he thinks I’m paying for her to eat dinner he can think again! He did that little boy puppy dog eyes thing that I usually find so adorable but I’m not giving in this time.


Friday 15th June
After the debacle that is Andy wanting to invite his ex, I started to think about who we SHOULD invite. We sat down tonight with a pad of paper each and wrote down every single person we could think of that we thought we should invite. Andy had 41people on his list (including the Big Boobed Small Brained One). I had 198! It does include all the cousins I haven’t seen for DONKEY’S years, but after my cousin Kathy got married last year and had the most humongous wedding, I don’t want to be out done or I’ll be the laughing stock of that side of the family! Andy said 100 people should be enough tops, but that means I’ll have to cut three quarters of people off my list and he’ll get to keep ALL the ones on his. So not fair! So then, he calls his mother up and she’s like “oh you forgot so-and-so, and, you can’t invite x and not invite y, and, oh by the way we have invited a and b from the bridge club”. Apart from the fact that there is definitely NO MORE ROOM for so-and-so, we’ve never even MET a and b from the bridge club! Outrageous! Andy said that he wants to be able to feel that his parents will know someone at the wedding so we should invite them and I was like, erm, what about all THEIR FAMILY? Surely they’ll know THEM!?
He said I shouldn’t invite all the team from work, especially as I don’t like Boss from Hell or Bimbette and I should just ask Janet as I get along with her. But I said there’s no way I’m not inviting them then have to hear them sniggering about how we couldn’t afford a big wedding afterwards.
Then he had a little strop and said he didn’t want to be at the ceremony and see it half empty on his side and full to the brim on mine as it’s not fair and I said most people go to a wedding to see the bride anyway and he had a proper tantrum at that. Honestly, he’s such a drama queen. Anyway, we’ve decided to limit it to 100 for the day and an extra 50 in the evening, and split it half and half, which is going to be a TOTAL NIGHTMARE for me in terms of cutting down numbers.


Saturday 16th June
We went round to Andy’s Mum’s this afternoon for a cup of tea and so that he could show off his new sat nav system to GSIL2B’s husband. Why they are so enthralled by something that shouts “turn left, turn right” at them is beyond me. When I shout that at Andy he gets all annoyed and says I’m distracting him! So I have to spend all afternoon listening to GSIL2B saying how wonderful their wedding was and was I concerned that ours would be compared to theirs because I wasn’t to worry about it. Like I was worried! Our wedding will be a gazillion times nicer than theirs and I said to her that I don’t think anyone could compare a registry office do to a full on white wedding in a church and she shut up for a bit.
We decided to meet Tori and Giles, Cat and Greg in the O Bar for a drink tonight. Greg, ever the accountant, was asking Andy about how we plan to finance the wedding and I tried my hardest to change the subject because I just know that Tori and Giles were looking at us thinking “poor things can’t afford a proper do” and I don’t want them looking down our noses at us. Andy suggested we might have to do a boot sale to help raise some cash and I just waved my hand around and told him not to be silly, we have plenty to cover it. He looked at me open mouthed and I had to give him a swift kick on the shins to shut him up. I know daddy will come up trumps though with a bit of persuasion. I know he said his funds were limited, but surely he intends to surprise his little girl by paying for the lot?
Giles started talking about pre-nups and Andy said we have bugger all any way so there’s nothing to worry about for us. Which is not quite true, as I have grandma’s diamond bracelet, but I thought it might be a bit churlish for me to get Andy to sign something to say he wouldn’t try and claim it as his should we break up. I can’t imagine he’d ever want it anyway. Not that we’re ever going to break up, obviously. I do think sometimes with those Hollywood stars that get pre-nups they half expect to break up before they even get married.


Sunday 17th June
How is it that I have one father, but have to buy two father’s day presents? Andy leaves it all to me and I have to buy something thoughtful and lovely for his dad, then he gets all the credit. If I got him something cheap and naff I just know I’d get the blame! I bought daddy a lovely camel coloured cashmere scarf and we dropped it off this morning. I hadn’t warned him we were popping round though and caught Horrid Girlfriend with bleach on her upper lip. Hahaha. She looked mortified. I did *try* not to laugh. Daddy loved the scarf and said we should’ve let him know we were coming round so that he could’ve made us some lunch, but I didn’t want to have to make small talk with Horrid Girlfriend so we made some excuse about having to visit Andy’s parents too and not wanting to take up too much of his time. I raised the issue of the wedding budget again and daddy shook his head and said he’d worked out how much he could afford to give us, and it’d be £1,500. I actually laughed. Haha, I said, how much really? But he wasn’t joking! Fifteen hundred lousy quid! Andy told him we were very grateful for the contribution but I just couldn’t help asking, is that all? Horrid Girlfriend said that I was a spoilt brat and I should appreciate the offer, and I told her that if she wasn’t spending all of daddy’s money on fake tan and tacky jewellery perhaps he’d be able to do the decent thing and pay for all of the wedding as is tradition!
Andy grabbed me by the elbow and manhandled me out of the door at that point. I was seething. How DARE she talk to me like that? Andy said I need to seriously consider what was important to me about this wedding and we’d have to make some more cut backs. At this rate we’ll be having the reception in a sodding village hall with a few paper chains and a home made buffet!

Monday 18th June
I got through loads of work this morning. I was so wound up about the appalling offer from daddy, that I took my frustration out on the massive pile of paperwork that’s been in my in-tray for yonks. Boss From Hell said she’d never seen me be so efficient and told Bimbette off for removing her nail polish at her desk, which made the place stink incidentally. I got a small glimmer of pleasure from watching Bimbette apologise. Janet realised there was something up and brought me a lovely egg custard tart when she popped out for lunch and I ended up having a long chat with her about daddy and the money for the wedding. I’ve made her swear not to tell anyone else, I don’t want the whole office knowing we can’t afford a fancy do. She said that she thought £1,500 was a generous offer and she could understand why I might be disappointed but had daddy actually ever said that he would pay for the whole thing? Well, he hadn’t, but that’s hardly the point is it? Surely EVERYONE expects their father to pay for their wedding?
I am so so disappointed. How on earth are we going to be able to afford peacocks on the lawn where we’re having pre dinner drinks if daddy won’t stump up the cash? Come to that, how are we going to be able to afford drinks!? I phoned mum when we got home yesterday and she said she’d see if she could help out a bit with some cash, but I never got to find out how much as she had to cut the conversation short to throw up. Apparently the treatment her doctor has put her on causes some side effects including nausea. I’ll call her again tonight, I must find out how much she’s willing to give us. She said I shouldn’t go round for a while as she’s not looking great and she doesn’t want me to see her unwell. I really must remember to ask what’s wrong with her exactly. She’s always been a bit of a hypochondriac.

I’m just too busy to write every day. It takes me AGES to look at wedding dresses, flowers, cakes, cars and all the other stuff we’re going to need on the internet. My wedding magazine collection is also growing substantially. I’ve hidden a few more in the boot of the car! I’ve found some interesting wedding related stuff on the web though. There’s a few chat room type things where you can leave a message and someone random will reply with an answer. Mad! I’m sure most of them are mad 50 year old pervert stalkers who want to turn up on the day and leer at the bride. Creepy. Andy says he uses internet forums for all sorts of stuff at work, but he’s in IT, he gets this stuff! I wrote a message about having goldfish bowls as table centres, complete with goldfish, which would be SO COOL and some of the brides to be on there went absolutely bonkers saying it was cruel and the fish would die and someone would be bound to stub their fags out in the water and they’d get hot under the lights etc etc etc. They’re FISH for Christ’s sake! Some people are just far too sensitive! It’s not like I wanted to staple a kitten to the middle of the table. I’ll just have to be a bit more careful about what say in future on there. They made me feel like Cruella de Vil! I also wrote about a dress I’ve seen online. It’s absolutely stunning, long white satin with a panel cut out in the midriff. I could have a beautiful gem put into my belly button and show it off. Obviously I’d have to lose a couple of pounds first but it would be a real show stopper. One girl on the message board called it chavvy! How dare she! It’s far more elegant than the strapless A line gowns most girls have plumped for! Have these girls got NO imagination? They’re all going to look the same!
Andy and I had a discussion about insurance last night. Apparently you can get insured in case one of your suppliers let you down or don’t turn up. Although you can’t get insurance for if one of you get cold feet, not that we’d need it! I told Andy I didn’t think it was necessary as I’m super organised and will have double checked everything before the day. But he thinks for the sake of £50 we should pay it and have some peace of mind. £50! He knows we’re on a tight budget now! I could’ve used that to pay for the llamas I want wandering around with the peacocks. He has no sense of priority.

Saturday 23rd June
Tori came and met me for lunch today and we spent the afternoon at Primp & Preen. I had the full works, massage, facial, nails and the dreaded waxing. Nightmare. Whoever thought, I know I’ll melt some wax, spread it on my skin whilst it’s still hot then RIP it off with a cloth taking all my hair and some of my skin with it? It must’ve been a man. I had to make sure Tori came so that we can do something with her APPALLING skin. Honestly, some days her face makes a pizza look smooth. I have no idea how she’s managed to get a boyfriend when she has more craters than the moon. If we could get them to get rid of the zits I might change my mind on her being bridesmaid. She’s already hinted at it. I wonder how much a chemical face peel would cost? Might be a good birthday gift for her. Failing that, I could always get Andy to take his Black and Decker sander to her face!
She was good company today though as I could rabbit on about the wedding and she didn’t mind listening. She seems to think that Westlife wouldn’t perform at a wedding reception, even if I tell them that I’ve been a HUGE fan since I was like twelve. I’m pretty sure I could persuade them though. I still have my Westlife scrap book and if I show them that they’re bound to be impressed with my level of dedication to being a fan.
The new girl at Primp & Preen was a bit rough on my massage. Usually they’re quite gentle but she pulled me around like I was a piece of meat. She asked me to relax and stop talking while she worked on me, but I had to chat to Tori and every time I opened my mouth I swear the vindictive little cow dug her elbow in my back.
Andy was lovely when I got home. Got me a glass of wine and said he doesn’t know why I bother going to the beautician because I can’t possibly be more beautiful than I already am. Which is true, natch, but sweet of him to say so. I let him cook me dinner and give me a foot massage before we went out to meet Cat for drinks. Tori had hinted about coming with us, but where we went was SO posh and I’m not sure her hippy chick kaftans would go down well there.

Monday 25th January
Bimbette is driving me BONKERS. The little hussy came in to the office today wearing a top cut so low we could almost see her pubes. Honestly, the girl has no class. Even Janet asked her if she’d like to borrow her scarf. Bimbette snorted and said we’re only jealous because her tits are pert and firm. Well I’m not surprised after the amount she’s spent on them! Boss from hell told us today that if we hit double our target she’ll give us a bonus. I’m not counting my chickens, the last “bonus” she gave us was a half warm pizza. Anyway, I’ve got much more important things to do than actually work. There’s bridesmaids dresses to find!
It was Andy’s dad’s birthday today. We went round there for dinner tonight and he managed to tear himself away from the footie long enough to say thanks for his present - a very expensive Mont Blanc pen that I’d chosen myself! Andy said it was pointless buying it for him as he’d only use it to fill in the pools and it was far too much money, but I won’t have GSIL2B saying we’re tight, so I bought it and wrapped it beautifully. Not that anyone noticed. Andy’s dad asked if it would take biro refills!!
Andy’s mum asked me when I planned to go and look for a dress and I avoided the question. I really want to go and look for a dress with my mum and Trina, assuming mum can be bothered that is. She’s not showing the slightest bit of interest in our wedding day at all. I don’t want to have to drag my mother in law to be along with us. She’ll want me to wear a big pouffy creation just like GSIL2B had and I don’t want to look like a really bad ‘80s bride! Whoever thought shoulder pads in a bridal gown was a good look should be shot for crimes against fashion.
GSIL2B turned up after dinner with a really naff present, a framed list of this years football fixtures. She picked up the beautiful pen we’d bought and raised her eyebrows. I wanted to scratch her eyes out. Her gift was so obviously so much cheaper than ours.

[Karen**21/09/07**]

WOW That's fab!!!

I want more.....

[Polly~MrsC 3-8-07]

Me 'n' all!

She is going to be absolutely hideous!!! Hee Hee!

[Pixie]

what a cow!

[MrsO2B]

That is fab!!!!

She is a GREAT character, but feel quite un easy thta i can realte to her in some ways

Keep it coming you are a clever girl Mrs S to be

Lx

[Mrs*S*]

Friday 18th May.
Got into work on time by the skin of my teeth this morning. Made Andy drop me off, which means he was 15 minutes late, but there was no way I was walking to the train station in the rain - does horrible things to my hair and I went straight out from work tonight to meet Trina and the girls.
Went to the O Bar for drinks - fabulous G&Ts there - flirted with the barman who is SO dishy and obviously fancies me. Tori said it was unfair to lead him on when I’m an old engaged woman but she’s just jealous because she’s got strange skin and no one ever looks at her, bless her. Another one to avoid for bridesmaid duties though - acne is not a good look in wedding photos. She’s a brilliant organiser though so might have her arrange the hen night. If Trina did it we’d be having drinks in our local the night before the wedding. Events have never really been her thing. Cat turned up late (as usual). She had the most FANTASTIC Chloe bag. Apparently Giles bought it for her when they went into town last weekend. It really annoys me that Andy only ever buys me the occasional bunch of flowers when Cat gets such amazing pressies for no reason. Giles is in investment banking so he’s not short of a penny or two. I told Andy that he should keep me in the style to which I have become accustomed and he said that just because I live in Richmond now doesn’t change the fact that I grew up in Essex and my dad drives a black cab and I should be more grateful for the things I DO have. Really should’ve stayed with vile Kenneth. He may be a bit self absorbed, but at least he appreciated that I need spoiling!
I heard that web designers make an absolute packet and told Andy he should do that, but apparently web design isn’t what he does. Beats me, it’s all computers, how difficult can it be to learn? If I didn’t push him he’d never achieve ANYTHING!
Got home to find he’d done the washing up and the laundry. One of my under wires got stuck in the drum on the washing machine which meant he had it in bits on the kitchen floor and hadn’t bothered to cook any dinner. Bought a Chinese and he fed me with chopsticks from the box - so sweet, if he hadn’t dropped sweet and sour sauce all over my new cashmere jumper.
Will go and see daddy tomorrow to talk about the wedding. Andy told me he asked him for permission to marry me and daddy said “you’re welcome to her, I wish you all the luck you’ll need” which is SO adorable!

[MrsO2B]

That is fab!!!!

She is a GREAT character, but feel quite un easy thta i can realte to her in some ways

Keep it coming you are a clever girl Mrs S to be

Lx

I change my mind i have nothing in common with her, but my SIL2B may just!!!

Brilliant esp like the daddy comment bit

Lx

[Mariam 29/09/2007]

brilliant stuff! sounds like my cousin! wants me to grow my hair as its too short and curly! and oh yeah, she wants to straighten it as well. coz it will look so good in her weddning pic! arghh! my hair, is STAYING short and curly jsut how i love it! LOL

mariam x

[Mrs*S*]

Saturday 19th May
Went to see daddy today. His horrid girlfriend was there. She’s SO common and at 30 only five years older than me! Daddy says she keeps him young, but I think she just keeps her claws into his bank account! Andy and I discussed setting a date and settled on Saturday 4th May. Gives us almost a year to organise everything. Andy wanted to put it off another year and save up but I reassured him that daddy would pay for everything and it won’t cost us a penny. Haven’t actually asked daddy yet, but as his only daughter I’m sure he’ll expect to foot the bill. Had lunch there - didn’t even know sun dried tomatoes still existed. Very early ‘90s!
Andy went to the pub with Tony to watch the football this afternoon so I hit the shops. Couldn’t resist a peek in the bridal shop in town. All seems a bit samey though and I want to stand out! Simply must have the biggest, princess-iest dress there is! Might have to get one made. Bought a gorgeous lipstick in the department store from some girl in a white dress with make up CAKED onto her face. Who needs botox when you can just shove your face under ten layers of super solid foundation? Must tell Tori.
Phoned mum again, am getting a bit miffed that she doesn’t want to talk about the wedding. I know she’s not been well but you’d think she’d make an effort. Tried talking to her about going to look at wedding dresses and she fobbed me off with some excuse about hospital appointments and doing it when she felt better.
Andy’s mum “popped round”. Why does she do that? No warning or anything! Andy hadn’t even had time to tidy the flat this morning so it was a real tip and I could just see her turning her nose up. She always waits until she knows he’s out as well and I get lumbered with having to talk to her. She did look through some wedding magazines with me though - and picked the most hideous mother of the groom outfits out! Have realised I’m going to have to set a strict colour code and skirt length rule for both mums! She even mentioned getting a white dress. As IF! The only girl in white on my day will be ME!

[MrsO2B]

another good insight in to the spoilt cow

It must take you ages to write it!

Lx